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Only
once
What's
wrong with me? It's something every teenager wonders from time to time
throughout their life. Most people just say "nothing" or "you're
perfect just the way you are" when asked that question. Well yes that is
true, you are perfect just the way you are, but does hearing that really help
you feel better about yourself? No it doesn't. Hearing things like "it'll
get better" or "you'll be okay" are nice to hear but it can get
very annoying especially when things are only getting worse. People are just
trying to help you, but in reality if you could just "be happy"
wouldn't you? Ahh, that word. "Happiness." What does it mean? Many
people wonder the same thing. Happiness could be a puppy, or a new Mustang, or
even dating the girl you've had a crush on forever. However to me, happiness
means something completely different. Happiness to me is very simple. Its
getting through the day as best as I can. Because for some people, making it
thro! ugh the day is a huge accomplishment all on its own.
Childhood.
To some people, that's a very special word that shows a time of innocence.
However to others like me, it's something you strive to rid your brain from.
Here's a little story about mine:
"I
don't care." Hurtful isn't it? I grew up hearing that and feeling that way
quite a bit. Growing up with a depressed mom, not knowing what day abuse would
occur in my home. Not knowing what day I'd cry in my room, just praying for
help. But wait my dad was there to help right? Wrong. He was either at work or
out and when he did come home, I didn't really matter to them. You think you're
lonely because your friend is busy and can't hang out tonight? Try being lonely
everyday. Loneliness is sitting in your room all day. No one texting you. No
one seeing you. No one calling you. Nothing. Besides school, you have almost no
contact with the outside world. Friends were never allowed in my house. In 18 years I had friends over once. One time in
tenth grade. But "don't worry it will get better." It didn't get
better, it got worse actually. Middle school was no different than grade
school, so I won't go into detail.
The
constant demeaning, verbal abuse had finally gotten to me in high school. I was
screamed at and bullied all day and all night at home. I would get up in the
morning usually after two or three hours of sleep and have to get ready for
school. I tried my very best to not sleep during class but it got very hard to
deal with all the stress. Teachers do a lot of work. Kids give them a lot of
crap, but most of them do the very best they can. But a lot of teachers just don't
get it. They don't understand the stresses of a teenager nowadays. Many days i
went home and with all the yelling between my parents, I could rarely ever
focus on my school work. So the next day the work wouldn't be done so I started
getting a lot of failing grades. So now my grades are really starting to
suffer. Teachers start getting mad and ask where the work is. I'd just say
"I'm sorry I forgot" because I was too embarrassed to tell the truth
of why it wasn't done. Now tests become harder and har! der, teachers keep
pressuring for work, home is getting worse. I'm becoming so depressed, that I
truly had no energy to even sit down to do a math problem. But what can I do?
Nothing. I'm just a kid. Why do i have to deal with all of this? What did I do to
deserve this? Eleventh grade ends, I barely passed.
I
started twelfth grade with a positive attitude. That quickly changed. My mom
started getting more depressed, and started attempted suicide. Many times
during my senior year, I walked into my house with police officers,
firefighters, and EMTs. I tried figuring out why she would do this. She never
really said much. Usually just made comments that would make me feel awful and
guilty. That really hurt. The relationship between my parents started to sever.
They began fighting a lot and one day it went over the line, and my dad left.
But he took me with him. We went to my aunt's house in Schenectady. I stayed
there until June. I had to wake up hours earlier to travel to school every day.
I had to leave everything. All of my belongings, all my friends, everything. I
finally went over the edge and couldn't take it anymore. It really was a
horrible senior year for me. I had almost no friends, no support at home, and
not much love from anyone. Some people just didn't get it and some! really just
didn't care. It's hard sometimes for people to understand what's going on,
especially when they have been through no emotional trauma in their lives.
Then
it all happened. The day that changed my life. April 10th, 2016 at 7:47am. I
woke up to multiple police officers banging on my door. I looked out the window
and multiple police cars were in front of my house. Why? Well I had become very
depressed and suicidal and I had planned on ending my life that day. I sent my
guidance counselor at school an email explaining everything, I expected to be
gone before she read it. Well for some reason I slept in that day. Honestly
that saved my life. As soon as I woke up, police were there to take me to the
emergency room. I then spent 15 days in a hospital trying to get better. I had
a lot of trouble speaking how I felt and being there was really torturous for
me. When I left the hospital, I was worse. I had begun to self harm. It
released the emotional pain I was being put through. I started to see a
therapist. I love her, she's the best. Life got a little bit better. In May of
2016, I met someone who I became very close to. She quic! kly changed my life
around. She probably doesn't even realize how much she's impacted my life. She
gave me something I never had. Love and friendship. She's been there through
everything and I'm very lucky for that. Some people don't get to have that.
It's nice knowing someone loves you just because you're you.
She
is still my best friend to this day, but people leave. Its sad, but it happens
all the time. Many people promised not to leave but they did. In eighteen years,
one person has stuck by my side through it all, and hundreds have left. But
remember, one is plenty enough. It's quality not quantity. Being popular really
means nothing in school. People considered me popular but what does it matter?
They weren't real friends, they all left. Having one true friend means
everything.
My
parents were in the process of divorcing now and that was tough to go through,
while trying to finish your senior year and graduation. But I did fight through
it and I passed all my classes and graduated with actually not bad grades. I've
messed up a lot of relationships in my life. I was always so tired, and
depressed, and lonely that when someone tried entering my life I'd push them
away in fear of being rejected. It's tough but I started letting people in and
it feels like such a huge accomplishment.
One
thing I've struggled a lot with is insecurities. Everyone is insecure in some
form. Maybe you don't like your body, or your voice, maybe you have bad acne,
or you just don't like yourself. Everyone is insecure, but some people, like
me, are insecure about everything to do with themselves. But really, why? You
are perfect just the way you are. No one should ever change you, and if they
try then exclude them from your life, because they aren't worth it. What you
need to do is then find someone who loves you for you and that's it. Don't
change because a guy said to, only change because YOU want to, only you can
make decisions on yourself. And to all the girls out there:
You're
perfect the way you are. I'm tired of seeing girls change the way they look and
act just because their boyfriend said to. If you have a boyfriend, he better
treat you the way you deserve to be treated. And if he tries to change the
person you are, then he isn't the one for you. If you like music, listen to it.
If you like reading, find a great book. If you like soccer, become the star
player. Don't let any guy dictate what you do and where you can go. I see so
many girls getting controlled by their boyfriends and it isn't right. Date
someone who loves you the way you are. Someone who loves all of your flaws and
insecurities. You want someone to like you the way you are, not because they
changed you to what they wanted you to be. You're perfect just the way you are.
Don't forget that.
Have
friends you can be yourself around, those are the most healthiest relationships
to have.
Although
insecurities are not something to stress over, sometimes you are made fun of
for them. Its awful. Bullying is not okay at all. As bad it bullying is, people
that stand by and just watch are just as bad as the bully. I've lost many
people to suicide because of bullying. It's sad that you can bully someone so
much, that it causes them to want to take their own life. Bullying is
disgusting, and instead of being mean, try being nice to someone who is getting
bullied. Be their friend. That way both of you will feel better about
yourselves. Don't bully. Instead speak out against it. And remember, don't be
just a bystander.
I
see so many people in toxic relationships and I ask myself "why?".
Why are you dating them if all they do is hurt you? I understand you love them
and maybe you don't know how to leave, but you should never be with someone who
doesn't treat you right. If they abuse you in anyway, leave them, just leave.
No person should be treated badly. No one deserves it. I know it can be hard to
leave a toxic relationship, so if you are getting abused please reach out and
get help. Whether your parent is abusing you or whether it's your boyfriend, it
is still abuse and you don't deserve that from them. You deserve the absolute
best and remember, you are ALWAYS worth more than you feel. Don't date someone
just because you feel that's all you deserve because it isn't. You deserve the
best.
It's
sad. Its sad that some people feel the only way to end their pain is to end
their life. I've been through it all and I've still made it. Suicide is never
the answer. As many times as you may hear it, it's true. Take it from someone
who knows, you are always stronger than the pain you're enduring. You won't
know what an amazing life you might have if you give up too soon. Everyone is
beautiful and amazing in their own way and every single person matters. I say
to keep fighting and to stop harming yourself. I know how hard it is to stop,
trust me, but it'll feel amazing when you are able to. Just take slow steps.
You'll get there. No one knows this but last week a girl came to me and asked
for help. I didn't really know her but I talked to her. And before she went to
bed she stated to me "thank you Alex, I was planning on not making it till
tomorrow, you honestly saved my life, no one has ever just listened to me
before without judging me and you have no idea how ! much that means to
me". Back in May, if I took my own life like I wanted to, then who would
have been there to help her?
I
felt inspired. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to get stronger. I began
wanting to help people. I wanted to prevent people from feeling how I've felt.
If I could help just one person, then it's worth it. I starting training to be
a volunteer firefighter, and an EMT and I have been responsible for making
people's lives better. I love helping people, being able to make someone smile
is amazing to me. Like I said, I still have bad days, but everyone does from
time to time. Pain sucks, but if you try hard enough, you can overcome it. No
pain is worth your life, your life is way more precious than you may believe it
is.
So,
where am I now? Good question. I'm actually happy in my life, I have some road
blocks but i will get through them. I still don't really have a lot of people,
but I still have my best friend, and that's all that matters. Life truly does
get better, even in your darkest days, it will get better. I'm now a New York
State volunteer firefighter and I'm going through EMT training now. It's really
hard work, but getting the chance to save a life is so worth it. I'm actually
really proud of myself. I'm now a New York State certified crisis and suicide
prevention counselor, and I'm going through vigorous training now. Who would've
thought that someone like me who wanted to take his own life, would now be
responsible for the saving of others. It makes me feel like I have a purpose
here, and like I matter to this society, and I do. I'm doing great now and it's
all because I realized I matter. You do too.
If
I have learned anything over the years, it's that you do matter. Suicide does
not solve the problems in your life, it only causes pain for others. You may
feel no one cares but there is someone out there that would question their life
if you took your own. It's hard to hear sometimes but you do matter and you
will make a difference in this world if you just hold on. The key to life is
believing in yourself. Any guy can give you a compliment, and any girl can make
you feel good about yourself, but YOU have to believe in yourself or it's
meaningless. I have many insecurities like I stated earlier, but it's all about
embracing them and learning to love yourself the way others do. The key to
success is never giving up. Anything is achievable, so don't give up. Keep
fighting, and if someone doesn't believe you can do it, prove them wrong.
"The
longer I live, the more beautiful life becomes." -Frank Lloyd Wright
If
you are lonely and feel like no-one understands, don't forget that I
understand. You are only given one life so make the best of it and remember...
"It
does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop." -Confucius
Don't
ever give up...
Whatsapp Skype IMO 9963334337 Facetime 9346346956
Skype – sivaguruswamy29
45/2, Opp.Railway Station, Sirkali Tq, Vaitheeswaran Koil,
Naagai Dist, Tamilnadu–609 117
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